How to Deal with Complaints

Stop Playing Savior: How to Handle Complaints and Build Real Teams

Every once in a while, a topic comes along that changes the way you lead people. For me, understanding how to handle complaints did exactly that. When I first encountered the pattern of leaders playing savior, I realized something uncomfortable. Most of what we call leadership in construction is actually dependency management. We create systems where people run to us instead of running to each other. We drain our own emotional currency solving problems that should be solved between team members. And we call that being helpful. But it is not helpful. It is exhausting. And it prevents teams from building the trust, conflict, and accountability they need to win.

That realization is painful for many leaders. We want to be needed. We want to solve problems. We want to be the hero. But the moment we step into that role, we stop building a team and start building a dependency on ourselves. And that dependency becomes a bottleneck. It drains us. It weakens the team. And it prevents the very thing we are trying to create, which is a high-performing group of people who can solve problems together.

The Pain Point Every Leader Knows

You walk onto a jobsite and your phone is ringing constantly. Trade partner A is calling to complain about trade partner B. A foreman is texting you about another foreman. A project manager is venting about a superintendent. Everyone is coming to you. Everyone wants you to fix their problem. Everyone wants you to be the middleman. And you feel important. You feel needed. You feel like a leader. But the project is not improving. The relationships are not getting stronger. The team is not coming together. And you are exhausted because your entire day is spent managing complaints instead of leading the work.

It is a painful pattern. And if you have been in leadership long enough, you have probably lived it more times than you wanted. I have too. I have watched leaders who were brilliant technically completely burn out because they could not stop playing savior. They took every complaint personally. They solved every problem themselves. They became the emotional center of the entire project. And eventually, they broke. Not because they were weak. But because they were carrying weight that the team should have been carrying together.

The Failure Pattern: Leaders Play Savior

Here is the pattern that destroys teams everywhere. Someone comes to you with a complaint about another team member. Maybe it is a personality conflict. Maybe it is a miscommunication. Maybe it is frustration about how work is being done. And you listen. And you want to help. So you step in. You talk to the other person. You solve the problem. You smooth it over. And everyone feels better. For about a day. And then it happens again. And again. And again. Because you never connected those two people together. You never coached them to have the conversation themselves. You never built the trust and conflict skills they need to work it out.

The system failed them. They did not fail the system. They were never taught how to engage in healthy conflict. They were never shown what it looks like to have a hard conversation professionally. They were never given permission to disagree and work through it together. And so they default to what feels safe. They run to you. They backdoor the situation. They avoid conflict. And you enable it by solving it for them.

But the cost is real. Your emotional currency drains. The relationships between those two people never improve. The team never learns to function without you. And you become the bottleneck. Every problem flows through you. Every conflict waits for you. And when you are not available, nothing gets resolved. The team is not a team. It is a group of individuals who depend on you to function.

A Field Story About Building Trust

I remember working with a project team where the superintendent and the lead trade partner could not stand each other. Every day, one of them was calling me to complain. The superintendent said the trade was behind and not communicating. The trade said the superintendent was changing the plan constantly and not giving them clarity. And both of them wanted me to fix it. They wanted me to be the referee. They wanted me to step in and solve their problem.

And I almost did. I almost played savior. But then I stopped and asked myself a question. Is this bringing the team closer together? And the answer was no. If I stepped in and solved it, they would never learn to work together. They would never build trust. They would never engage in the healthy conflict they needed to align. So instead, I said, “Have you spoken to each other about this?” And they both said no. So I said, “Let’s do it right now. Let’s get in a room and work this out.”

And it was uncomfortable. They were frustrated. They were defensive. But we worked through it. We clarified expectations. We identified where the miscommunication was happening. We agreed on a coordination system. And by the end of the conversation, they had solved the problem themselves. I did not solve it. I facilitated it. And from that day forward, they stopped running to me. They started running to each other. That is what real team building looks like.

Why This Matters for Teams and Families

This matters because teams depend on trust to function. When leaders play savior, they prevent trust from forming. When leaders connect people together and coach healthy conflict, they build teams that can solve their own problems. And when teams can solve their own problems, they win. They move faster. They communicate better. They support each other. And they do not drain the leader’s emotional currency.

Behind every dysfunctional team is a leader who never taught them how to engage in healthy conflict. And behind every high-performing team is a leader who refused to play savior. This is not just about efficiency. This is about respect for people. When we solve every problem for people, we treat them like children. When we coach them to solve problems together, we treat them like professionals. And professionals deserve that respect.

This also protects families. When leaders burn out playing savior, they go home exhausted. They have nothing left for their spouse. They have nothing left for their kids. They are drained. And that drain follows them everywhere. But when leaders build teams that function without them, they go home with energy. They go home knowing the team is strong. They go home knowing the project is stable. And that stability protects families.

The Signs You Are Playing Savior

Here are the warning signs that indicate you have become the emotional middleman instead of a team builder:

• Your phone is constantly ringing with complaints about other team members
• People wait for you to solve conflicts instead of talking to each other directly 
• The same personality conflicts keep resurfacing week after week 
• You feel drained at the end of every day from managing interpersonal issues
• Team members avoid each other and communicate only through you

These are not signs of a team that trusts you. These are signs of a team that depends on you. And dependency is not leadership. It is exhaustion.

The Four-Step Response System for Handling Complaints

Here is the practical sequence for handling complaints without playing savior. When someone comes to you with a complaint about another team member, follow these four steps:

Step one: Ask if this involves harassment or discrimination. If yes, handle it immediately yourself. Do not delegate harassment or discrimination complaints. Ever. Those must be dealt with directly, confidentially, and seriously. You handle it. You involve HR. You involve legal if necessary. You protect the innocent. You deal with the offender. And you do it right. This is non-negotiable.

Step two: If it does not involve harassment or discrimination, ask: “Have you spoken to that person?” If the answer is no, stop. Do not solve the problem for them. Instead, coach them to have the conversation themselves. Say, “I think the best path forward is for you to talk to them directly. Would you be comfortable doing that?” Most of the time, they will say yes once you give them permission.

Step three: If they are not comfortable talking directly, offer to facilitate. Say, “Can we all sit down together and work this out?” Bring both people into a room. Let them air the issue. Coach them to listen to each other. Help them find alignment. But do not solve it yourself. Your role is to facilitate, not to fix.

Step four: If they still refuse to engage, question whether they are a cultural fit. If someone consistently refuses to engage in healthy conflict, refuses to talk to people directly, and insists on running every issue through you, they are not building trust. They are building dependency. And that is not sustainable. High-performing teams engage in conflict. They do not avoid it.

How Healthy Teams Function

Healthy teams function like Navy SEAL teams, Olympic teams, and professional sports teams. Coaching happens in the open. Feedback happens in real time. Conflict is expected and encouraged. And accountability is shared. Imagine a Navy SEAL telling their instructor, “Hey, don’t coach me in front of my team. I would rather you pull me aside.” That would never happen. It is absurd. Professional teams accept coaching in the open because they trust each other.

The same applies to construction teams. When a superintendent gives feedback to a foreman in a coordination meeting, that is not disrespectful. That is coaching. When a project manager corrects a plan in front of the team, that is not embarrassing. That is accountability. And when team members challenge each other in planning meetings, that is not conflict for the sake of conflict. That is healthy disagreement that leads to better decisions.

If your project needs superintendent coaching, project support, or leadership development, Elevate Construction can help your field teams stabilize, schedule, and flow.

The Guiding Principle: Is This Bringing the Team Closer Together?

Here is the guiding principle that works in every situation. Before you decide how to handle a complaint, ask yourself: Is this bringing the team closer together? If the answer is yes, proceed. If the answer is no, stop and reconsider.

Example one: Someone reports harassment. You handle it directly, confidentially, and appropriately. You protect the innocent. You deal with the offender. Did you bring the team closer together? Yes. You removed a problem that was destroying trust.

Example two: Someone complains about a personality conflict. You ask if they have spoken to the person. They say no. You coach them to talk directly or offer to facilitate a conversation. Did you bring the team closer together? Yes. You connected them and coached healthy conflict.

Example three: Someone complains and you immediately solve it without connecting them to the other person. Did you bring the team closer together? No. You reinforced dependency and prevented trust from forming.

This principle works every single time. Use it. Trust it. Let it guide your decisions.

What Healthy Conflict Actually Looks Like

Many leaders avoid connecting people together because they fear conflict will explode. But healthy conflict is not yelling or personal attacks. Here is what it actually looks like:

• Both people express their perspective without blaming • The leader facilitates by asking clarifying questions and keeping the conversation productive • Agreement is reached on clear next steps and expectations • Both people leave with better understanding and alignment

Healthy conflict builds trust. Avoiding conflict destroys it. And playing savior prevents your team from ever learning the difference.

A Challenge for Leaders

Walk your project this week and ask yourself whether you are building a team or managing dependencies. Ask yourself whether you are coaching people to engage in healthy conflict or solving every problem yourself. Ask yourself whether your team is coming closer together or staying fragmented because they run to you instead of each other. If the answer makes you uncomfortable, that is good. That discomfort is the first step toward building a real team.

Stop playing savior. Stop draining your emotional currency. Start connecting people together. Start coaching healthy conflict. Start building teams that trust each other and solve their own problems. That is what great leaders do. And that is what your team needs.

As Patrick Lencioni said, “If you could get all the people in an organization rowing in the same direction, you could dominate any industry, in any market, against any competition, at any time.” Building trust and coaching healthy conflict is how you get everyone rowing in the same direction.

On we go.

Frequently Asked Questions

What should I do if someone comes to me with a complaint about another team member? First, ask if it involves harassment or discrimination. If yes, handle it directly. If no, ask if they have spoken to the other person. If they have not, coach them to have the conversation themselves or offer to facilitate a meeting where both people can work it out together. Do not solve it for them.

When should I handle complaints directly versus connecting people together? Handle complaints directly only when they involve harassment, discrimination, or safety violations. For all other complaints, including personality conflicts, miscommunication, or work disagreements, connect the people together and coach them to resolve it themselves. This builds trust and prevents dependency.

How do I coach someone to have a difficult conversation they are avoiding? Start by asking what they are afraid will happen. Address their concerns. Remind them that healthy teams engage in conflict professionally. Offer to facilitate the conversation if they need support. Give them specific language they can use to start the conversation respectfully. Then follow up to ensure it happens.

What if someone refuses to talk directly to the person they are complaining about? If someone consistently refuses to engage in healthy conflict after coaching, question whether they are a cultural fit for your team. High-performing teams require people who can have hard conversations professionally. Dependence on you to solve every conflict is not sustainable and prevents the team from functioning.

How does handling complaints this way protect my emotional currency? When you solve every problem yourself, you drain your emotional energy and become the bottleneck for every conflict. When you connect people together and coach them to resolve issues themselves, you preserve your energy for strategic leadership and build a team that functions without constant intervention.