Physical Intimacy in Relationships Feat. Brandon Montero

Intimacy, Relationships, and the Life You’re Trying to Build

Let me start this one plainly, because that’s how we do things here. Most of us have problems at home in our relationships that we are not solving. We work around them. We numb them. We ignore them. We tell ourselves it will get better when the project slows down, when the kids are older, or when life is less busy. But it rarely does. And eventually those unresolved issues show up on the jobsite, whether we like it or not.

I wanted to talk about this topic because construction is not just hard on schedules and budgets. It is hard on marriages, partnerships, families, and intimacy. Long hours, early mornings, late nights, stress, and responsibility all take a toll. And yet we rarely talk about it. We talk about Lean. We talk about safety. We talk about productivity. But we don’t talk about what kind of human being is showing up inside those systems.

That’s why I invited Brandon Montero to have this conversation with me. Not to shock anyone. Not to be edgy. But to be honest. Because if we want to build remarkable projects, we need to build remarkable lives. And intimacy and relationships are not side issues. They are central.

Why Intimacy Matters in Construction

In construction, especially for men, emotions are often treated like a liability. Intimacy is even more taboo. We are taught to tough it out, push through, and keep moving. But here’s the truth I’ve seen over and over again. You cannot be healthy at work if you are unhealthy at home. You cannot be present, patient, and grounded on the jobsite if you are disconnected, resentful, or lonely in your most important relationships.

I’ve had people come up to us after boot camps and say, “You didn’t just help my career. You helped my marriage.” And that matters to me more than almost anything else. Because when your home life stabilizes, your nervous system stabilizes. When your nervous system stabilizes, your leadership improves. When your leadership improves, your project improves.

Most people don’t wake up intending to neglect their partner. It happens slowly. Fatigue sets in. Stress builds. Communication drops. Intimacy becomes transactional or disappears altogether. And instead of addressing it, we normalize it. We joke about it. Or we silently suffer.

That suffering leaks. It leaks into how we talk to our crews. It leaks into how we react under pressure. It leaks into our patience, our tone, and our ability to see clearly.

Ignoring What Actually Hurts

One of the biggest failure patterns I see, both in projects and in relationships, is avoiding what hurts. In Lean thinking, we talk about fixing what bugs us. If something is broken, we don’t just accept it as normal. We study it. We collaborate. We experiment. We improve.

But when it comes to intimacy and relationships, many people abandon that mindset. They decide that distance is just how marriage works. That lack of desire is just part of getting older. That resentment is normal. That silence is safer than vulnerability.

It’s not that people don’t care. It’s that nobody taught them how to care effectively.

Showing Up at Home the Same Way You Show Up at Work

One of the most powerful ideas Brandon shared was the concept of giving 100 percent where you are. At work, we talk all the time about being present. Being engaged. Being focused. At home, the same rule applies.

Intimacy is not just sex. It is attention. It is awareness. It is touch. It is closeness. It is letting your partner feel seen and desired, not just used or ignored. It is showing up throughout the day, not just at the end of it.

If we don’t do that, there are consequences. Just like on a project. When you don’t prepare, rework shows up. When you don’t communicate, conflict shows up. When you don’t maintain trust, everything slows down.

The same is true at home.

Obligation Versus Giving Freely

One of the most important distinctions we talked about was obligation versus giving freely. Nobody is obligated to do anything in a relationship. But every action and every inaction has consequences.

Think about your kids. When they ask you to read them a story and you don’t, there is an emotional impact. Not because you were obligated, but because connection was missed. When you do read the story, even if you were tired, you don’t resent your child. You feel closer.

Intimacy works the same way. When it becomes something taken rather than something given, resentment grows. When it is offered freely, as a way to build connection, it becomes life-giving instead of draining.

Building Intimacy Throughout the Day

One of the most practical insights from this conversation was that intimacy is built long before anything physical happens. It is built in small, consistent actions that communicate attraction and care.

This is not about grand gestures or movie scenes. It is about daily presence. Things like touch, attention, and warmth that say, “I see you. I want you. You matter to me.”

Here is where many people get stuck. They do nothing all day, then show up at night expecting intimacy to just happen. When it doesn’t, frustration follows. That frustration often gets misinterpreted as rejection, when in reality the emotional groundwork was never laid.

A healthy approach looks more like this in practice:

• You intentionally create moments of closeness throughout the day, even in simple ways, so your partner feels desired and connected before anything physical is even considered.
• You take responsibility for your own health, energy, and presence, understanding that attraction is influenced by how you show up emotionally, physically, and mentally.

This is not manipulation. It is leadership in a relationship.

Love Languages and Intentionality

Love languages matter. Not because they are a gimmick, but because they remind us that people receive love differently. Just like on a project, you wouldn’t teach every crew member the same way. You adjust based on how they learn.

Some people feel loved through touch. Others through words. Others through time or acts of service. When we insist on expressing love only in our own language, we miss the mark.

What really stood out to me was the idea of intentionality. Some couples schedule time for connection because spontaneity alone doesn’t work for them. That doesn’t make it robotic. It makes it reliable.

We schedule meetings. We schedule workouts. We schedule safety walks. But when it comes to relationships, we pretend scheduling is unromantic and then wonder why things fall apart. Intention is not the enemy of romance. Neglect is.

Health, Desire, and the Courage to Address Reality

Another hard truth we discussed is that a complete lack of desire is often a signal, not a verdict. Hormones, stress, diet, sleep, and mental health all play a role. Ignoring those signals doesn’t make you noble. It makes you passive.

In construction, if equipment is malfunctioning, we don’t shame it. We inspect it. We maintain it. We fix it. Our bodies and relationships deserve the same respect.

This is not about blame. It is about responsibility. If something matters, we work on it.

Attraction, Respect, and Appreciation

We also talked about attraction and how uncomfortable that topic makes people. Attraction does not mean objectification. Respecting beauty does not mean replacing your partner. There is a difference between appreciation and obsession.

Brandon shared a metaphor I loved. You can walk through a museum and appreciate many beautiful paintings, but still know which one is yours. Problems arise when you replace what is yours or become consumed by something that was never meant to take that place.

Unhealthy behaviors are unhealthy not because they exist, but because they replace connection instead of supporting it.

Jealousy, Insecurity, and Maturity

Jealousy and insecurity show up in every relationship. The question is not whether they exist, but how we handle them. Maturity is learning to separate appreciation from threat. It is understanding that your partner noticing beauty in the world does not diminish your value.

In Lean thinking, we talk about controlling what is in our control. Our thoughts, actions, and intentions are our task. Someone else’s thoughts are not.

Why This Belongs in a Construction Podcast

Some people will ask why we are talking about intimacy on a construction podcast. Here’s why. Systems don’t run themselves. People run systems. And people who are depleted, disconnected, and resentful do not run systems well.

You can install LeanTakt, Last Planner, or any operational control system you want. But if the human beings inside those systems are operating at 50 percent because their personal lives are in chaos, you will never reach flow.

If your project needs superintendent coaching, project support, or leadership development, Elevate Construction can help your field teams stabilize, schedule, and flow.

But none of that works in isolation from the life you live at home.

The Challenge

Here is my challenge to you. Stop normalizing suffering. If something in your relationship is broken, treat it like a problem worth solving. Bring the same curiosity, humility, and collaboration to your home that you bring to your job.

We are smart enough to do this. We are capable enough to do this. And we deserve the kind of life where work and home support each other instead of compete with each other.

I’ll leave you with a thought inspired by Deming, even if he didn’t say it exactly this way. A system is perfectly designed to get the results it gets. If your relationships are producing distance, it’s time to redesign the system.

FAQs

Why is intimacy relevant to construction professionals?
Because unresolved relationship stress affects focus, leadership, and emotional regulation at work, directly impacting safety, communication, and project performance.

Is intimacy only about sex?
No. Intimacy includes emotional connection, attention, touch, and presence throughout the day, not just physical acts.

Can scheduling intimacy really work?
Yes. Scheduling creates reliability and intention, especially when spontaneity alone is not enough due to busy or stressful lives.

How do love languages help relationships?
They help partners express care in ways the other person actually receives, reducing frustration and misunderstanding.

What should I do if intimacy feels broken?
Treat it like any other important problem. Talk openly, seek professional help if needed, address health factors, and collaborate instead of suffering in silence.