Positive Intent

Skill, Not Will: How Assuming Positive Intent Transforms Leadership

Every once in a while, a concept comes along that changes the way you lead people. For me, the idea of “skill, not will” did exactly that. When I first encountered it in the book Changeable, I hated it. I argued with it. I yelled at my radio listening to it. I thought it was victim talk. I thought it was an excuse for poor behavior. I thought it was soft leadership. But over time, as I tested it in the field, as I watched it work in real situations, I realized something uncomfortable. I was wrong. The concept works. And it works because it is true. Most people are not failing because they do not care. They are failing because they lack the skill to do what they are trying to do.

That realization is freeing for many leaders. We spend so much energy assuming the worst about people. We assume they are lazy. We assume they are careless. We assume they do not care. And when we make those assumptions, we react emotionally. We get frustrated. We get angry. We make poor decisions. And we lose control. But when we shift our mindset to assume positive intent, when we ask ourselves what they are trying to accomplish and why they lack the skill to do it well, we stay in control. We stay calm. We find solutions. And we build stronger teams.

The Pain Point Every Leader Experiences

You walk onto a jobsite and someone is causing chaos. Maybe it is a trade partner who keeps falling behind. Maybe it is a foreman who cannot communicate clearly. Maybe it is an inspector who seems to enjoy making your life miserable. And your first reaction is frustration. You think they are difficult. You think they are incompetent. You think they are doing it on purpose. And you react accordingly. You get defensive. You push back. You avoid them. You complain about them. And nothing improves.

It is a painful pattern. And if you have been in leadership long enough, you have probably lived it more times than you wanted. I have too. I have watched leaders who were brilliant technically completely burn out because they could not stop assuming the worst about people. They took every difficult interaction personally. They fought every battle emotionally. They drained their energy reacting to behavior instead of diagnosing the root cause. And eventually, they broke. Not because they were weak. But because they never learned to separate behavior from intent.

The Failure Pattern: We Assume Negative Intent

Here is the pattern that destroys leaders everywhere. Someone does something that frustrates you. Maybe they miss a deadline. Maybe they communicate poorly. Maybe they push back on your plan. And instead of asking why, you assume the worst. You assume they do not care. You assume they are lazy. You assume they are difficult. And that assumption drives your response. You react emotionally. You get defensive. You escalate the conflict. And the situation gets worse.

The system failed them. They did not fail the system. They were never trained properly. They were never coached effectively. They were never given the clarity they needed. And when they failed, we blamed their character instead of their skill. That is the pattern. And that pattern creates toxic relationships, broken teams, and burned-out leaders.

But the truth is different. Research from Brené Brown shows that most people are doing their best. That does not mean their best is good enough. It does not mean their behavior is acceptable. But it means their intent is positive. They are trying. They just lack the skill to do it well. And when we understand that, everything changes.

A Field Story That Changed My Perspective

I remember a project where I had a team member who was causing chaos in every meeting. He was argumentative. He was defensive. He pushed back on everything. And I was ready to kick him out. I was ready to remove him from the team. I assumed he was difficult. I assumed he was trying to sabotage the project. I assumed his intent was negative.

But then I stopped. I asked myself the question: What is his positive intent? What is he trying to accomplish? And when I thought about it, I realized something. He was not trying to sabotage the project. He was trying to feel significant. He was trying to protect his trade. He was trying to make sure his concerns were heard. And he lacked the skill to do it professionally. He lacked the skill to communicate without being defensive. He lacked the skill to collaborate without arguing.

Once I understood that, everything changed. Instead of reacting emotionally, I stayed calm. Instead of fighting with him, I acknowledged his concerns. Instead of dismissing him, I gave him significance. I asked for his input. I validated his expertise. I coached him on how to communicate more effectively. And the behavior changed. He stopped being argumentative. He started collaborating. He became one of the most valuable members of the team. Not because I fixed him. But because I understood his positive intent and helped him develop the skill to accomplish it the right way.

The Framework: Skill, Not Will

The concept is simple. When someone does something that frustrates you, assume it is a skill problem, not a will problem. Assume they want to do the right thing. Assume their intent is positive. But assume they lack the skill to do it well. That assumption changes everything. It keeps you calm. It keeps you in control. It allows you to diagnose the real problem instead of reacting emotionally.

Here is how it works practically. Someone misses a deadline. Instead of assuming they do not care, ask yourself: Do they understand the deadline? Do they know how to prioritize? Do they have the resources they need? Do they know how to communicate when they are falling behind? Most of the time, the answer is no. They care. But they lack the skill. And once you understand that, you can coach them. You can train them. You can give them the clarity they need. And the behavior changes.

The same applies to difficult owners, cantankerous inspectors, argumentative trade partners, and defensive team members. They are not trying to make your life miserable. They are trying to accomplish something. And they lack the skill to do it well. Your job is not to fight them. Your job is to identify their positive intent, understand what they are trying to accomplish, and help them develop the skill to do it the right way.

Tony Robbins’ Six Human Needs

Tony Robbins teaches that every human being is driven by six core needs: certainty, variety, significance, connection, growth, and contribution. When someone is behaving poorly, they are trying to meet one of those needs. And they are doing it in a way that lacks skill. The inspector who seems difficult is trying to feel significant. The owner who creates chaos is trying to feel certain. The team member who argues in meetings is trying to feel connection or significance. The trade partner who falls behind is trying to meet their need for certainty or growth.

Once you understand what need they are trying to meet, you can help them meet it in a way that works for both of you. You can give the inspector significance by valuing their expertise. You can give the owner certainty by communicating proactively. You can give the team member connection by including them in decisions. You can give the trade partner growth by coaching them through challenges. This is not manipulation. This is leadership. This is understanding human behavior and helping people win.

The Technique: Identify the Positive Intent

Here is the practical technique. When someone frustrates you, pause. Do not react. Instead, ask yourself three questions:

• What are they trying to accomplish? • What need are they trying to meet? • What skill do they lack to do it well?

Once you answer those questions, you have clarity. You understand their positive intent. You understand what they are trying to do. And you can help them develop the skill to do it the right way. That keeps you in control. That keeps you calm. That allows you to lead instead of react.

Example one: A trade partner keeps falling behind. What are they trying to accomplish? They are trying to complete the work. What need are they trying to meet? Certainty. They want to know they can finish on time. What skill do they lack? Planning. They do not know how to sequence the work. They do not know how to communicate when they are falling behind. Coach them. Train them. Give them the skill. The behavior changes.

Example two: An inspector seems difficult. What are they trying to accomplish? They are trying to feel significant. What need are they trying to meet? Significance. They want to feel important. What skill do they lack? Professional communication. They do not know how to assert authority without being difficult. Give them significance. Value their expertise. Respect their role. The behavior changes.

This technique works every time. It keeps you in control. It keeps you out of the mud. It allows you to lead from a place of calm confidence instead of reactive frustration.

If your project needs superintendent coaching, project support, or leadership development, Elevate Construction can help your field teams stabilize, schedule, and flow.

Why This Matters for Leaders and Teams

This matters because leaders who assume positive intent stay in control. They do not get dragged into emotional battles. They do not take behavior personally. They do not burn out fighting every difficult person they encounter. They stay calm. They diagnose. They coach. And they build stronger teams.

Behind every difficult person is someone trying to meet a need and lacking the skill to do it well. When leaders understand that, they stop reacting and start leading. They stop fighting and start coaching. They stop assuming the worst and start finding win-win solutions. And that changes everything. It changes the culture. It changes the relationships. It changes the outcomes.

This also protects families. When leaders burn out reacting emotionally to every difficult situation, they go home drained. They have nothing left for their spouse. They have nothing left for their kids. But when leaders stay in control, when they lead from a place of calm confidence, they go home with energy. They go home knowing they handled every situation well. And that stability protects families.

A Challenge for Leaders

Walk your project this week and identify one person who frustrates you. Do not react. Do not avoid them. Instead, ask yourself: What is their positive intent? What are they trying to accomplish? What need are they trying to meet? What skill do they lack? Once you answer those questions, approach them with clarity. Coach them. Help them. Give them the skill they need. And watch the behavior change.

Stop assuming the worst. Stop reacting emotionally. Start assuming positive intent. Start identifying the skill gap. Start coaching instead of fighting. That is what great leaders do. And that is what your team needs.

As Brené Brown said, “People are doing the best they can.” That does not excuse poor behavior. But it changes how you respond. It keeps you in control. It keeps you leading. And it creates teams that win.

On we go.

Frequently Asked Questions

What does “skill, not will” mean? 

Skill, not will, means most people want to do the right thing but lack the skill to do it well. When someone’s behavior is frustrating, it is usually not because they do not care but because they do not know how to accomplish their goal professionally. Identifying the skill gap allows you to coach instead of react.

How do I assume positive intent when someone seems obviously difficult? 

Assume they are trying to meet a basic human need like significance, certainty, or connection. Ask yourself what they are trying to accomplish and what skill they lack to do it well. This keeps you calm and allows you to lead instead of react emotionally.

What if someone really does have bad intent? 

Very few people truly have malicious intent. Most behavior that seems difficult is driven by fear, insecurity, or lack of skill. Focus on the vast majority of situations where positive intent exists, and handle the rare exceptions with clear boundaries and accountability.

How does this approach keep me in control? 

When you assume positive intent and identify the skill gap, you stay calm. You do not take behavior personally. You do not react emotionally. You diagnose the problem and coach the solution. This keeps you leading from a place of control instead of reacting from a place of frustration.

Can this approach work with difficult owners, inspectors, and trade partners? 

Yes. Owners who create chaos usually lack planning skills. Inspectors who seem difficult usually need significance. Trade partners who fall behind usually lack coordination or communication skills. Identify their positive intent, understand what they are trying to accomplish, and help them develop the skill to do it well.