Feedback for Improvement!, Feat. Brandon Montero

Stop Calling It Negative: Why Feedback for Improvement Is a Gift

Brandon Montero and Jason were talking about the concept of negative feedback versus feedback for improvement. And right away, they want you to understand something: there’s no such thing as negative feedback unless someone is attempting to hurt you.

You’ll often hear the word criticism. Rather than thinking about criticism or the root word critical, think about feedback for improvement. Feedback that allows someone to grow or gives someone a directive where they can change something to have success in the future. Not just “Hey, this is bad” but “What is good? What would be the right course? What would be the direction to go?” Instead of just “This is what you’re doing wrong.”

Jason hears it a lot: “This is criticism. This is negative feedback.” But unless somebody was attempting to hurt him, he doesn’t know of any negative feedback. And he thinks this immediately goes back to when we were kids or in high school or in other situations where we took the feedback as being negative. This chopping and nipping and correcting and sculpting and hitting the rough parts of the stone off. This really hard process.

However, if we continue to look at it like that in companies and in our careers, then we lose the life changing magic of the improvement that can come from receiving feedback. We need to change our paradigms. We need to look at this differently.

How to Receive Feedback Without Taking It Personally

Brandon offers coaching for anyone receiving feedback. Rather than thinking that everything you hear has to be taken to heart as a description of what you are, think of it as someone describing to you the outside experience that people other than you might have with you.

What does that mean? Sometimes there’s something you intend or an experience you intend that other people are having, but that doesn’t mean it’s the experience they’re actually having with you. When somebody communicates and says “Oh, I notice this about your personality” or “I notice this about your actions,” that’s the experience they’re having with you. It’s not a reflection on what you intend necessarily, but it helps you understand how it’s coming across to other people.

Brandon likes to look at it as an outside view or a snapshot of how someone outside of him might view his actions or his attitude. We do have to disconnect the shaming of “This is who I am is defining me” versus “These are my actions and I’m inherently a good person but these actions may or may not be suiting me well.”

That shift changes everything. Your actions are not your identity. Your current performance is not your potential. Your blind spots are not character flaws. They’re just areas where you haven’t received clear feedback yet.

The Gap Between Who Wants Feedback and Who Gives It

When Brandon and Jason do certain processes in boot camp, they actually encourage feedback for improvement and feedback of appreciation. It’s very difficult for 80 to 90 percent of people to provide either one. They have people do that in an active setting and get practice with it, and most people are very uncomfortable.

But here’s the interesting part. Brandon also asks the question: “How many of you actually hated or disliked or felt uncomfortable receiving the feedback for improvement?” Nobody’s hands raise. Nobody.

The feedback is viewed as a gift. It is welcomed. It is something people want. Some people haven’t received feedback in one or five or seventeen or thirty years because nobody will give it to them. But they want it.

There’s a huge disparity between how many people will provide feedback of appreciation or feedback for improvement versus those who want it. Why? We have a fear that someone will take offense with what we have to say. We have a fear they’ll want to argue their way out of it. Maybe we have a fear of defending our opinion in a particular matter.

But if the feedback is truly delivered in a way that offers something constructive, if it offers a directive that might allow somebody to grow, it makes the content that much easier to swallow for the person receiving it. Oftentimes we don’t necessarily have to worry about how it’s going to land. It’ll land in the way that’s constructive if the intent behind it is genuine care for their growth.

Why the Compliment Sandwich Kills Your Credibility

Brandon and Jason feel strongly about this: the compliment sandwich is playing into the whole “feedback is negative” concept. The idea is you compliment somebody, then criticize them, then compliment again. You sandwich it. You’re dampening the blow.

But what blow? Why is there a blow? There shouldn’t be a blow. Feedback isn’t negative. It’s not critical. It’s not criticism. So why would we have to sandwich it?

It needs to be direct. And we’re saying it in the first place because we respect people. That’s one of the things that throws Jason. He doesn’t think we fully understand this concept of respect for people. Because if we did, we would know that if we really respected somebody, we’d have high expectations and we’d provide that feedback for improvement. And it’s a gift.

We also would know on the other end that to give feedback can be somewhat difficult and to even do so is an act of love. So Jason doesn’t love the concept of the compliment sandwich. We need to get really good at knowing what feedback is for, getting it to be palatable and direct, and getting it to be communicated with the sincerity and love that we mean it.

Brandon adds to this. When you are giving feedback, it’s usually worth someone’s attention. When you water it down with a compliment first, it takes the acuteness or the point off of what you’re delivering. But then what does it do for the compliment either? “Oh wait, I’m being complimented. Oh no, actually there’s something else falling behind it.” It takes that sincerity away and brings your sincerity in general into question.

Do I only get compliments when something else is coming right behind it? That’s what people start to think. If you had a boss who was always compliment sandwiching you, every time they said something nice you’d be like “Okay, where’s the shoe gonna drop?” You’d get accustomed to that pattern. You’d get programmed to “Okay, every time they say something, something’s behind there.”

And it’s not necessary because feedback means we care about somebody’s career, their progress, their development.

What Real Leadership Requires

Great leaders, or actually to even be a leader, you have to build the team first, have hard conversations, provide feedback for improvement, manage and coach and mentor direct reports, hold remarkable meetings, and scale communication. If we’re in any leadership position anywhere and we have direct reports, that’s a part of our job. We get to do that.

It’s interesting when Brandon and Jason do feedback exercises in boot camp. There are a number of them in their arsenal of teaching and coaching and mentoring. People squirm. Literally you can sit next to them while they’re attempting to do this, and Jason says “attempting” intentionally. They’re squirming and giggling and just doing anything they can to get away from giving feedback for improvement.

They’ll inherently go into compliment mode or they’ll attempt to criticize themselves instead of providing feedback. Human beings will just do anything to get out of it. Brandon and Jason literally have to stand there and coach people: “No, this is how you give it. No, this is how you give it.” And they just feel like if we really had the proper understanding of how welcomed and wonderful and needed feedback for improvement is, we’d get out of our own way.

The Practice Guide for Giving Feedback That Lands Well

Here’s the clinical psychological answer and the practical coaching. Practice with this as much as you can. Make sure you’re following these principles when you give feedback:

• Talk about their actions, not their identity, so people understand this is about what they did, not who they are as a person.
• Give suggestions for a path forward so they know exactly what to do differently, not just what to stop doing.
• Make it direct without watering it down with false compliments that dilute the message and kill your credibility.
• Communicate it with love so the words you use matter less than the care they can see on your face and know from your actions.

That false compliment doesn’t matter. You can say what you need to say as long as they can see on your face and know from your actions that you care about them and you’re simply providing that coaching for them to live a happier and more remarkable life.

Brandon adds final thoughts on intent. When we’re choosing the words so they aren’t misconstrued as some type of criticism, make sure that intent is truly there for “How are we going to build someone up? What exactly am I telling them or teaching them right now so they can have success in the future?”

There are negative words out there. There are words that might make somebody feel bad and not necessarily want to continue in their path. So make sure that the words you’re choosing are words that are meant to build, direct, and admonish someone in the right direction.

The people squirming in boot camp exercises aren’t scared of giving feedback. They’re scared of doing it wrong. They’re scared of hurting someone. They’re scared of being misunderstood. But the person receiving the feedback? They’re not scared. They’re waiting. They’re hoping someone cares enough to tell them the truth. They’re hoping someone respects them enough to have high expectations.

Feedback for improvement is a gift. Stop treating it like a punishment that needs to be wrapped in compliments to make it palatable. Start treating it like what it is: an act of love from someone who cares enough about your future to tell you what you need to hear. If your project needs superintendent coaching, project support, or leadership development, Elevate Construction can help your field teams stabilize, schedule, and flow.

FAQ

Q: Why is the compliment sandwich a bad approach to giving feedback?

Because it waters down both the feedback and the compliment. When you compliment first, it takes the point off what you’re delivering. It makes the feedback less acute, less direct, less impactful. But it also ruins the compliment by making people suspicious. They start thinking “Do I only get compliments when criticism is coming?” It brings your sincerity into question. People get programmed to wait for the other shoe to drop. Just be direct. If the feedback is truly delivered with intent to help someone grow, it doesn’t need to be cushioned.

Q: How do I receive feedback without taking it personally?

Think of it as someone describing the outside experience people have with you, not a description of who you are. Sometimes there’s an experience you intend that other people are having, but that doesn’t mean it’s the experience they’re actually having. When someone says they notice something about your actions or attitude, that’s the experience they’re having with you. It’s not a reflection on what you intend. It helps you understand how you’re coming across. Disconnect the shaming of “This is who I am” from “These are my actions.” Your actions are not your identity.

Q: Why do so few people give feedback when so many people want it?

Because we fear that someone will take offense, argue their way out of it, or force us to defend our opinion. But 80 to 90 percent of people are uncomfortable giving feedback while almost nobody is uncomfortable receiving it. Some people haven’t received feedback in one, five, seventeen, or thirty years because nobody will give it to them. But they want it. The feedback is viewed as a gift, welcomed, something people are waiting for. We just need to overcome the fear and give it.

Q: What makes feedback constructive instead of critical?

Constructive feedback offers a directive that allows someone to grow or change something to have success in the future. It’s not just “This is bad” but “What is good? What would be the right course? What would be the direction to go?” It talks about actions, not identity. It gives suggestions for a path forward. It’s delivered with genuine intent to build someone up and help them succeed. The words matter less than the care behind them. If they can see on your face and know from your actions that you care about them, the feedback lands constructively.

Q: How do I practice getting better at giving feedback?

Practice as much as you can in real situations. Make sure you’re talking about actions, not identity. Give specific suggestions for what to do differently going forward. Be direct without watering it down. Communicate with love so your intent is clear. Choose words that build, direct, and admonish in the right direction instead of words that shame or tear down. Remember that giving feedback is part of leadership. If you have direct reports, it’s literally your job to build the team, have hard conversations, and provide feedback for improvement. The more you practice, the more natural it becomes.

On we go.