I’m Fine…

Stop Saying I’m Fine: Why This Lie Is Killing Construction Workers

Have you ever heard somebody who says “I know, I know”? You told them to do something or you ask them politely to do something. “I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.” And then they don’t do it because they’re not freaking listening and they’re unteachable and they do it wrong. And they’re like “No, no, I know. No, you should have done this.” “I know, I know.”

If you hear somebody say “I know,” they don’t know. That is not fine. That is not good. If you are growing in construction and you’re being raised in construction right now and taught and nurtured and watered and mowed every day, do not say “I know.” Because you don’t know. Because “I know” means “I’m not listening.”

That’s Jason’s example. And you’re probably like “Yeah, Jason, I agree with that.” Let him add one more. “I’m fine.” BS. You’re fine? Bull’s sheet. You are not fine. Stop saying “I’m fine.” “How are you doing?” “I’m fine.” “What’s going on?” “I’m fine.” “I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.” Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie. Not true. You’re not fine.

If you hear people say “I know” or “I’m fine” they’re not telling the truth. That’s what we’re going to talk about today. We have to get an awareness of what’s really going on. Data. In lean systems we bring all problems to the surface. We’re transparent. We deal with problems and we fix problems.

If you are saying “I know” you’re not learning. If you’re saying “I’m fine” you’re not being transparent and bringing problems to the surface which means you’re not getting the help that you need and deserve. So you are not lean if you say “I know” and “I’m fine.” You’re not lean.

The Awareness of Mental and Emotional Health

Jason is excited about the awareness of mental and emotional health. Felipe Engineer and a group of people did a little webinar podcast cohort talking about mental health and emotional health. Jason thanks God and literally praises Jesus that these people are out there doing these wonderful things.

We’ve got people that Jason really enjoys throughout the industry talking about psychological safety. We have people talking about suicide. We’ve got people talking about just the effects of construction, the effects of the pandemic. Jason really appreciates those people out there that are doing it.

Caitlin is doing it with Iman. She’s talking about this quite a bit. Kaybrey is talking about this. Felipe is talking about this. Adam Hoots is talking about this. We’ve got Jennifer Lacey talking about this. Jason’s excited about all the awareness there.

When I’m Fine Means I’m Dying Inside

Let Jason tell you a little story. He was once working for a company, great company, and he had a really great project executive. Jason would get in these emotional fits where he’s really high and then he’s really low. Imagine his hand doing this curve where he’s high and he’s low and he’s high and he’s low. Anytime Jason would get low he would get dark and start telling himself stories and get really bad in the head. When people asked how he was doing he would say “I’m fine.” He wasn’t fine.

Jason was talking to this project executive and he actually left. He put in his resignation. The project executive was like “Jason, if you had told me that something wasn’t fine a couple months ago we could have gotten you what you needed and this wouldn’t have happened.” He put his arm up and he said, no he drew this on a whiteboard: “You’re either really high or you’re really low and what you have to do is find a way to speak out, speak up, and let somebody know that you’re really low so you can get help.”

Jason thought that was really neat. Ever since he told him that, he’s been focusing on leveling those out. The solution is to speak it out loud and tell somebody. Here’s the principle. How powerful would it be that when somebody asked how you’re doing they actually really cared enough to find out? Jason just thought that was really true. So when you’re asking somebody how they’re doing, keep pushing and asking. But if you’re being asked, tell the truth.

The System That Leads to Death or Hell

Here’s the system: “I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. No one wants me. This is hopeless.” Then you die by suicide or you live in hell. That’s the system. Jason’s wife was complaining about the other day: “No, I’m fine. I’m fine. No, I’m really fine. No, I’m fine.” And then when you’re in your alone moments then you’re like “Nobody really wants me. Nobody really cares about me. This is hopeless. I can’t get out of that.”

And then you find somebody hanging in the backyard or they’ve blown their brains out or they’ve overdosed or they’ve jumped off a bridge somewhere because we didn’t get the help. They’ve died by suicide. Jason appreciates Kaybrey for telling him instead of saying “committed suicide” they died by suicide.

We have no idea what somebody’s going through. When they die by suicide, when they end their own life because of their suffering, if we were in that circumstance would we feel the same way? Would we get out of it? Would we pass the test? Jason doesn’t think we would. Die by suicide. These people whether they had something to do with it or not are victimized by a really bad circumstance. Or if they don’t die by suicide they live in hell.

If you’re like “Oh Jason, this sounds like social justice warrior stuff, dude calm down,” this is real stuff. Imagine right now that you go in and you find your little six year old girl or your 12 year old son hanging himself or shooting herself and that now your little baby is gone and dead. Would you say “Oh man, I judge you. You just committed suicide”? Or would you be like “Oh my gosh, what the hell just happened? I’m so devastated”?

When you get judgmental about this, think about would it be your own little girl? Jason cannot think about what he would experience if one of his kids died by suicide or if they didn’t and continue to live their life in hell. It would be absolutely devastating.

When Jason Was Clinically Depressed

Let Jason also say one thing. There was one time where for about two weeks Jason was clinically depressed. He was bad. As soon as he realized that he didn’t care if he lived, he didn’t care if he got up for work, he just had a chemical hormonal something was wrong with his body feeling. Some people will just retreat. Jason freaked out because he knows what normal feels like. He started jogging. He went to the doctor. He got help. He started talking to his wife.

Some people are vocal. Jason was trained to be vocal. If something’s wrong with him, he’ll tell you. Sometimes when something’s wrong with people they won’t tell you. Sometimes it’s to preserve them or to preserve other people and to attempt to be kind even though it’s misguided. Jason just wants you to know as soon as he felt clinically depressed he immediately went and got help and freaked out. What about the people that don’t?

You have to be able to say “I’m not fine.” Jason does want to say that people who do not allow you to help, there is a better way. People who are not telling the truth and aren’t coming forth with actually how they’re doing, there’s a better way. Letting people help you is a gift that you can give to other people. Letting people help you is a gift that you can give yourself. It’s okay to not be okay. Just be nice about it.

If you’re not okay, don’t go around killing and murdering people and being mean. Obviously be nice. But just be like “I’m not okay right now everybody. I need help.” There are sometimes where Jason comes in and he’s been at work and he’s like “Hey everybody, I’m struggling today. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m working on it right now. If I seem a little bit grumpy I apologize. I need your help. Please lift me up. I’m not okay today and I don’t know what’s wrong. I have to go do a couple things. I don’t have a minute to talk about it but as soon as I do I need help.”

Just say not okay but be nice about it and just know that it’s okay to not be okay. If you’re feeling sad, depressed, down, low, negative self-talk, if you’ve said anything in your mind like “Nobody wants me” or “This is hopeless” or you’re in a bad spot or you’re angry or you’re in any of these negative emotions meaning they’re not serving you well, you have to get help. You have to speak it out loud. You have to say something about it. Because the current condition is everyone is saying “I’m fine” and they’re not fine.

The 30 Day Challenge: Tell the Truth

Jason wants to challenge you. He told you this would be a short podcast. He’s almost done. He wants to challenge you to practice for the next seven days at a minimum but he would hope for at least a month. Every time somebody asks you if you’re okay, Jason wants you to practice intentionally telling them the truth.

Here are some examples:

• “You know, I appreciate you asking. A little bit grumpy but I’m on the upward climb.”
• “Hey man, I’m just feeling great and I don’t know why I’m feeling great. No, I’m doing good. Everything’s kind of good right now and I’m really good.”
• “You know, I’ve been dealing with some stuff at home and I’m trying to rein it in at work but man I’m having a hard time. I’m not doing okay. I think I’m okay. Keep checking in with me because I’ll let you know if I’m not but I’m not okay.”
• “Man, I’m freaking down. I don’t have time right now but as soon as I can talk I’d love to tell you what’s going on because I am not doing well. I need help.”

Any of these things are okay.

Jason doesn’t know what ignorant SOB somewhere back in our history said that we all had to say “I’m fine” but it’s the dumbest thing he’s ever heard. If you’re not fine, say you’re not fine. Probably most of the time we don’t tell the truth is because we live in fear and we have to get out of that place and understand that human beings were intended and designed for connection and that we need to get help.

So “I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. No, I’m fine. I’m fine. No really, I’m fine. No one wants me. This is hopeless. Die by suicide or live in hell.” Or when we’re not fine we can tell somebody and get help from the wonderful people out there in this world.

Let Jason testify to you like he would testify before a court of law: there are so many great people on this earth. We’re just not organized and we’re just not talking to each other and we’re just not telling each other the truth. We have an opportunity to get the help. Everybody has hard times. So why not get it fixed and get the help and live a remarkable life? If your project needs superintendent coaching, project support, or leadership development, Elevate Construction can help your field teams stabilize, schedule, and flow.

FAQ

Q: Why is saying I’m fine when I’m not so dangerous?

Because here’s the system: “I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. No one wants me. This is hopeless.” Then you die by suicide or you live in hell. When people ask how you’re doing and you say “I’m fine” when you’re not, then in your alone moments you’re like “Nobody really wants me. Nobody really cares about me. This is hopeless. I can’t get out.” Then you find somebody hanging in the backyard or they’ve blown their brains out or overdosed or jumped off a bridge. Or they don’t die by suicide and they live in hell. Either way, saying “I’m fine” when you’re not kills you or destroys you.

Q: What should I say instead of I’m fine?

Tell the truth. Examples: “I appreciate you asking. A little bit grumpy but I’m on the upward climb.” “I’ve been dealing with some stuff at home and I’m having a hard time. I’m not doing okay. Keep checking in with me.” “Man, I’m freaking down. I don’t have time right now but as soon as I can talk I’d love to tell you what’s going on because I’m not doing well. I need help.” “Hey everybody, I’m struggling today. If I seem grumpy I apologize. I need your help. I’m not okay today.”

Q: What if I don’t want to burden other people with my problems?

Letting people help you is a gift that you can give to other people. Letting people help you is a gift that you can give yourself. It’s okay to not be okay. Human beings were intended and designed for connection. We need to get help. There are so many great people on this earth. We’re just not organized and we’re just not talking to each other and we’re just not telling each other the truth. Everybody has hard times. Get it fixed, get the help, and live a remarkable life.

Q: What should I do if I’m clinically depressed?

Jason was clinically depressed for two weeks. As soon as he realized he didn’t care if he lived, didn’t care if he got up for work, had something chemically or hormonally wrong, he freaked out because he knows what normal feels like. He started jogging. He went to the doctor. He got help. He started talking to his wife. As soon as you feel clinically depressed, immediately go and get help. Don’t retreat. If you’re feeling sad, depressed, down, low, negative self-talk, if you’ve said “Nobody wants me” or “This is hopeless,” you have to get help. Speak it out loud. Say something about it.

Q: How do I help someone who keeps saying they’re fine but clearly isn’t?

When you’re asking somebody how they’re doing, keep pushing and asking. Don’t accept “I’m fine” as an answer. How powerful would it be that when somebody asked how you’re doing they actually really cared enough to find out? If you had told someone that something wasn’t fine a couple months ago, they could have gotten you what you needed. The solution is to speak it out loud and tell somebody. Keep asking. Keep caring. Don’t let people retreat into “I’m fine” when they’re dying inside.

On we go.