Modeling What You Want, Feat. Ava Schroeder

Cheering From the Sideline

At a recent training event, one participant was struggling to complete a physical exercise, unable to muster the energy or enthusiasm needed to push through it. Their peers gathered around, clapping and shouting encouragement, urging them to give more energy, more effort, more enthusiasm.

The problem was easy to spot from just a few feet away: the peers doing the encouraging were not bringing much more energy themselves. Watching the moment unfold, one observer pointed out exactly what was missing, if they wanted this person to bring more energy, they needed to bring more energy themselves, right alongside them, not just shout instructions from the sideline.

The Real Pain: Telling People What to Do and Expecting Them to Just Get It

The real pain shows up constantly in leadership, coaching, and even parenting: explaining something once, verbally, and then feeling frustrated when it does not land the way it was intended. It is an easy trap to fall into, and an easy one to admit honestly.

Telling someone what to do and simply expecting them to understand exactly what was meant, without ever demonstrating it, sets both people up for frustration. The instructor feels unheard, and the learner feels lost, even when both are genuinely trying.

The Failure Pattern: Coaching From Outside the Boat

The failure pattern is coaching from a distance instead of getting directly involved. A personal example makes this painfully clear: teaching a daughter to drive a boat by staying outside of it, pointing, gesturing, and shouting directions from the water or the dock, rather than sitting beside her in the driver’s seat.

That approach produced exactly what you would expect: frustration, confusion, and a genuinely bad experience for both people involved. The instructions were not wrong. The delivery method was.

A few signs tend to show up when coaching has gotten stuck at telling instead of modeling, and they are worth checking honestly:

• Instructions get repeated louder or more forcefully when they are not landing, rather than being demonstrated hands-on instead.
• The person giving feedback stays physically or emotionally at a distance rather than working directly alongside the person being coached.
• Frustration builds on both sides even though the actual instructions being given are technically correct.

This Isn’t About Being a Bad Leader, It’s About How People Actually Learn

None of this means someone is a poor leader or a poor parent. It usually just means the coaching style being used does not match how the other person actually learns best.

Some people absorb instructions well through explanation alone. Others need to see it demonstrated. Still others, often described as kinesthetic learners, need to physically experience something alongside someone else before it truly clicks. Recognizing which one applies to the person in front of you is not a minor detail, it is the whole difference between a smooth learning experience and a frustrating one.

Sitting in the Driver’s Seat Together

Here is what changed everything in that same boat-driving story. On a different day, instead of coaching from outside the boat, the approach shifted entirely: sitting directly in the driver’s seat together, hands near the controls, actually driving alongside her rather than narrating from a distance.

The difference was immediate and lasting. What had been a frustrating, tense experience became a genuinely positive one, and that same daughter is now considered one of the best boat drivers around. Nothing about the actual instructions changed. What changed was showing up right there in the seat with her instead of coaching from somewhere else entirely.

Why It Matters: Confidence Comes From the Right Starting Point

This matters because how someone starts learning something shapes their confidence far more than most people realize. Starting with encouragement and a modeled example, someone right there doing it alongside you, builds a positive first experience. Starting with repeated failure and correction from a distance builds stress and self-doubt instead, even if the person eventually gets there anyway.

The boot camp moment made this visible in real time. The individual struggling with the exercise did eventually get the support they needed, once their peers actually joined in physically rather than just cheering from the side. But starting that way from the very beginning would have meant more confidence sooner, and a far less stressful path to the same result.

Teach the Framework: Explain, Demonstrate, Guide, Enable

This connects directly to a training model adapted from Boy Scouts leadership development: explain the concept clearly, demonstrate the skill yourself, guide the learner through practice with real, hands-on feedback, and only then enable them to perform independently. Skipping straight from explaining to expecting independent execution leaves out the two steps that actually build real capability and confidence.

Applied to a jobsite, this might mean physically walking a new team member through a task rather than just describing it, or working directly alongside a struggling crew member instead of correcting their work from across the room. Applied at home, it looks exactly like sitting in the driver’s seat instead of shouting instructions from the dock.

A few practical questions help identify when this method is needed instead of a purely verbal explanation:

• Has this person already been told what to do multiple times without real improvement, suggesting the delivery method itself needs to change?
• Would physically demonstrating this task, or doing it alongside them, likely help more than a further verbal explanation?
• Is the feedback being given from a comfortable distance, or is it happening directly alongside the person doing the work?

Turning This Into Daily Practice

Before repeating an instruction louder or more forcefully, pause and ask whether the person in front of you might actually need to see it modeled, or need you working directly beside them, rather than simply hearing it again. That small shift in approach often solves what more explanation never could.

This applies to trade partners learning a new process, new hires figuring out a task for the first time, and family members picking up a new skill, all in exactly the same way. The method rarely needs to change. Often, showing up right next to the person is the actual missing piece.

Connecting It Back to Building People, Not Just Projects

None of this happens automatically, and it takes real humility to recognize when telling someone what to do has not worked and a different approach is needed instead. Building that instinct, to explain, demonstrate, guide, and then enable, is exactly the kind of coaching skill that turns frustration into genuine confidence.

If your project needs superintendent coaching, project support, or leadership development, Elevate Construction can help your field teams stabilize, schedule, and flow, including how leaders coach and train the people closest to the work.

The Challenge

So here is the challenge worth carrying into your next coaching moment: instead of just telling someone what to do from a distance, get in the boat with them and do it together. As Jason put it plainly, “Sometimes when we are aiming to help somebody instead of just telling them what to do, we need to get out there and do it with them.” On we go.

FAQ

What is the “Explain, Demonstrate, Guide, Enable” method?

It is a training model, adapted from Boy Scouts leadership development, where a skill is first explained, then physically demonstrated, then practiced together with real-time guidance, and only then handed off for independent performance. Skipping the demonstration and guidance steps often leaves learners stuck, even after a clear explanation.

Why didn’t simply explaining how to drive a boat work well?

Coaching from a distance, pointing and shouting instructions rather than sitting alongside the learner, created frustration for both people even though the instructions themselves were accurate. The delivery method, not the content, was the actual problem.

How can a leader tell if someone needs a demonstration instead of another verbal explanation?

If an instruction has already been repeated multiple times without real improvement, that is a strong signal the delivery method needs to change rather than the message itself. Kinesthetic learners in particular often need to physically experience a task alongside someone else before it truly clicks.

Does this mean verbal instructions are never effective?

No, some people learn well through explanation alone. The key is recognizing that not everyone learns the same way, and being willing to shift to demonstration or hands-on guidance when verbal instruction alone is not landing.

How does starting with encouragement and modeling affect someone’s confidence?

Starting with a modeled example and genuine support builds a positive first experience and faster confidence. Starting with repeated failure and correction from a distance can still get someone to the same skill level eventually, but usually with far more unnecessary stress along the way.